For decades, I battled feelings of shame, insignificance & depression. I have a family pedigree riddled with addiction & mental illness. As a 20-something new mom, I said goodbye to my firstborn—a girl—when she was 4 days old, which launched me into a major depressive episode that could have ended my life. I later earned a psych degree and became a counselor at a behavioral facility, a psychiatric hospital, and an addiction recovery center. I would also visit siblings who were patients in these places; places that it became abundantly clear to me didn’t hold the big healing picture.
As a 30-something mom to young Noah, Savannah and Sawyer, I had a deep desire to bring out my beauty and voice, so embarked on a childhood dream to do pageants. This, after hitting an all-time frumpy rock-bottom and making a guest appearance on none other than Oprah. Seeing myself on live, national television—not exactly looking and feeling my best—compelled me to seek out coaches and mentors as I plunged headlong into an intense season of research & self-refinement. In 2004, with the platform of inspiring self-worth in women, I was crowned Mrs. Utah.
Ironically, my sister Shawna—a thirty-two-year-old mother of five—was losing her own battle with self-worth. She committed suicide the year I passed on my title.
As a 40-something mom, I did a lot of writing, speaking & coaching for women. The prospect of generational mental illness manifesting in my kids led to a “mama bear” uprising, wherein I roared and slashed my way out of traditional, clinical treatment models—ones that hadn’t fully healed any of my clients or loved ones. I dove into integrative methods and natural tools for cleansing, biochemical support & sensory integration. At my 14 year-old son Noah's suggestion, I started teaching other mothers. God blessed and steered me on an amazing path of facilitating leadership development & natural health solutions that has expanded my Blue Rose Wellness organization, globally, to many thousands strong.
And now, as I approach 50-something mommying, I’ve got two young adults, a teenager, and these two love bugs who've exploded on the scene. I had 4 miscarriages in a row trying to bring Eli & Emma here, yet the Universe/Hand of God delivered them via private adoptions. They came through separate “announcing dreams” and their miraculous stories have been featured in two books and a documentary. Eli’s amazing “tummy mommy,” Jessica, is a former coaching client of mine and lived with us for most of her pregnancy. We adopted Eli at birth, but Em was our foster baby whose precarious adoption finalized when she was just under a year. The 7 year-long journey to bring them home taught me more about the process of Feminine Creation than anything I could have read about.
We are living in a great transformative time; an evolutionary period in human history. The Rising of the Feminine. We will go beyond what our foremothers dreamed of. Your voice, your influence and your Light is desperately needed in this hurting & hungry world. Don’t wait until you’re a certain size; until your kids are situated and your stuff is totally healed, because it may never happen! You are here during this Era for a divinely appointed reason. The time to use your voice & share your truth is now!
Note (above) how I link all aspects of my life to “something mom.” That’s because these 5 humans, and their dad Jeff, have my heart. And… I’ve got this other thing that has my heart: the calling to guide & gather women. I can’t not do this any more than I can’t not do motherhood. With my Creator’s help, I’ve decided that I don’t have to choose between the two. It’s my birthright to be a leader both at home and abroad, even though many other voices tell me it’s not appropriate or possible.
Let me tell you, I’ve spent a lot of crazy days and sleepless nights in low-vibe, self-doubting mother guilt, bumbling through the ever-elusive “balancing act” between my mission & motherhood. I’ve decided “balance” is a fairy tale. No matter what we choose to do, there will be conflict, readjustment and mistake-making. Creation is messy.