I’m about to share something really personal, even Sacred to me. I wouldn’t normally post such things, but I’m feeling the, “It’s okay, others might need to hear this” prompt from the Spirit.
I am 41 years old and my husband Jeff and I are not done having children. We thought we were – seven years ago – after our youngest was two and I’d suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. We figured the Lord had completed our family and the three cherished children we’d been blessed with were it. I accepted this, even though I’d always wanted more kids, and just went forward with motherhood and my life mission.
A few years after that, the desire to add to our family came back. Strongly. I chalked it up my mother’s heart not wanting to put final closure on having children. Yet, the overwhelming desire would not leave, and Jeff and I both began to receive spiritual impressions that our family was incomplete. I bought a cute little puppy — didn’t help much. I looked into foster care and adoption – even went so far as to put start putting dossier paperwork together to adopt a little girl from China – but every time we moved forward in the adoption direction, a door would shut or it wouldn’t feel right.
Then my 6-year-old Sawyer pronounces I am to have a baby and starts praying relentlessly for babies to come to his mommy’s tummy. I’ve learned to never take what comes from the mouth of babes lightly. His older brother Noah “prophesied” at the age of 3, that he was getting a baby brother soon. It came out very nonchalantly at the kitchen table after preschool one afternoon as simply, “Mom, Heavenly Father knows I want a baby brother.” I was pregnant 4 weeks later…with his brother Sawyer.
So eventually, all spiritual and emotional indicators were pointing towards pregnancy as the right thing to pursue. I was 38, and Jeff was 39 when we made that prayerful decision. Our kids were 6, 8 and 10. I swore I wouldn’t have caboose babies later in life! My dear Grandmother Mary Lou was pregnant with my mother twice…having a baby at 44 and another at 45. I grew up thinking that was kinda weird. Yet – I cannot imagine our family without Aunt Kim Sue (my sister’s age) and Uncle Jeff (my age).
I knew pregnancy was the right course because proceeding in that direction brought no “stupor of thought” and as we went forward, my impressions became stronger. I begin to sense, then perceive, then know that there was not just one, but two children waiting to join us. A son and a daughter. Looking back, I think I needed to have this knowing or I would have given up on bringing them to Earth long ago.
We tried for two years to get pregnant once the decision was made. In those 2 years, I held out the hope that they would come, but started to become impatient with the Lord. It was frustrating and disappointing. Then finally, at age 40 – last summer – I got pregnant. We were over-the-top excited.
Then I miscarried at 11 weeks. So devastating. I went to the Lord in the midst of my deep grief and asked if I should just “give up” on this whole after-40 pregnancy idea. I immediately felt a withdrawal of the Spirit upon presenting that to Him, which to me was a strong indicator that I should not give up. I later received beautiful reassurances – promises – that the desires of my heart would be realized.
I got pregnant again within a few months. I was SURE that this one would take. At 7 weeks (2 months ago), I miscarried again. You can read ALL about that devastation on my February post entitled “Loss.“
There is so much that I could write about miscarriage and infant loss and what I have learned with respect to why the Lord gives and takes away. Maybe I’ll expound on another post. There isn’t room on this one now. (Why is it that I cannot write short posts?)
Prior to and since the 3 miscarriages, I have filled pages in my journal (3 years running) with longings for these children. One night the longing was so great that I got out of bed and wrote this poem:
For the Two Who Are Missing: My daughter and son, not yet conceived
Cherie Burton, September 1, 2008
I see you, brave son, standing behind your sister
Noble in your resolute desire to strengthen and protect
The sacred bond which cannot endure separation
In either estate.
And you, determined daughter, reaching forward
In beautiful feminine splendor and swirling clouds of joy
Waiting to join a mortal stage compatible with
The majesty of your mission.
It has been a year since my mind’s eye received you both
Since this mother’s heart knew there were two spots missing
In the joyful family portrait which hangs in her hallway
And graces her soul.
So my feet continue walking with the wondrous gift of knowing
That the stars are moving in alignment and purpose
While elements of body and earth combine with the miracle
Of your perfect creation.
May you see with infinite clarity the purity of my intent
To embrace our Father’s design for this glorious family circle
Accepting daughter and son of the light my most humble offering
To be your mother forever.
I’ve entertained the thought that these two recent miscarriages were the boy and the girl I’ve been waiting for and that all they needed was a body in that brief time to serve their mortal purpose as my children. My mother’s heart beats so strongly, though, for the chance to nurture them, love them, raise them to the Light. I know He knows this.
So I’ll keep waiting on Him…because I know His promises are sure.