Your Mess is Your Message
My message is about empowering women. My mess? For years I grappled with insecurity, self-consciousness, fear and codependency. Since I was a child, I have dealt with melancholia – a mild, cyclical depression. I have a strong family history of addiction and mental illness. As a twenty-something, I said goodbye to my firstborn baby – a girl – when she was 4 days old, and this launched me into a major depressive episode that could have ended my life. In an effort to break family patterns and understand behavior, I earned a psych degree and became a counselor at a behavioral facility, a psychiatric hospital, and an addiction recovery center. I would also visit siblings who were patients in these places; places that it became abundantly clear to me didn’t hold the big healing picture.
As a thirty-something mom, I had a deep desire to bring out my beauty and voice, so embarked on a childhood dream to do pageants. I sought out mentors and plunged into an intense season of self-refinement. In 2004, with the platform of inspiring self-worth in women, I was crowned Mrs. Utah. Ironically, my sister Shawna – a thirty-two-year-old mother of five – was losing her own battle with self-worth. She ended up taking her life the year I passed on my title. It changed everything.
As a forty-something mom, I started doing a lot of speaking and life coaching for women. Genetics and family patterning began playing out so fiercely in my oldest son, Noah that I feared it would overtake him – as it had my aunt and sister. This led to a “mama bear” uprising, wherein I roared and clawed my way out of traditional, clinical treatment boxes – boxes that hadn’t fully healed any of my clients or loved ones to that point. I dove into integrative, holistic methods and tools for biochemical mood management that, over time, produced a powerful turnaround in Noah, which – at his suggestion – led to teaching other mothers about it. To my amazement, God has put me on the path of facilitating leadership development and natural wellness solutions for women and families all over the world.
The Balancing Act
Notice how I link all of the above pieces of my life to “something-mom.” That’s because these five humans have my heart. And… I’ve got this other thing that has my heart: the calling to learn from, teach and lead women. I can’t not do feminine leadership any more than I can’t not do motherhood. With my Creator’s help, I’ve accepted that I don’t have to choose between the two. It’s my birthright to be a leader both at home and abroad, even though many other voices tell me it isn’t appropriate or possible.
Let me tell you, I spent a lot of crazy days and sleepless nights in low-vibe, self-doubting mother guilt, bumbling through the ever-elusive “balancing act” between my mission and motherhood. I’ve learned “balance” is fairy tale stuff. No matter what we choose to do, there will be conflict and readjustment and mistake-making because creation is messy. Nothing really stays aligned and balanced. Including our energetically sensitive, dynamic bodies and our even-more-dynamic spirits.
All I can say is “amen, brother” to this statement by one of my favorite teachers, John Maxwell: “A dream is something you want to do. A calling is something you have to do.”
Blue Rose Wellness
What is your calling? Mine is to write and teach and travel and share with other cultures what I’ve learned about healing and creation and sensory restoration. Since 2007, my Blue Rose Wellness organization has been a global hub for leading women to wholeness. How’d I get the name, you may be wondering? Roses are naturally designed to be pink, so rose breeders need to inject them with synthetic dye if they want them blue. That’s kind of how we are as women. We’re naturally designed by our Creator to be “pink” – thriving in a state of wholeness – while outside invaders inject us with foreign substances that leave us “blue.” Until we’re perfect and in a perfect environment– which ain’t happenin’ anytime soon – we’re GOING to get blue. And that’s okay, because we are perfect in our imperfection. Our messes are our messages.
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